[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Pringles
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.