@squirrel74wkgn

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

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@saltymermaident

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

@CatherineLMK

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

@my_boy_joey

I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

@FirecrackerKatt

You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.

@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

@msdanifernandez

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

@IndecisiveJones

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

@OctopusCaveman

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T