[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger


Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.


I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.


You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.


Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart


I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves


Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you


Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T