me: I’m hungry
fridge: great news, I’m full of foods you selected
me: no, not like that
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.
The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
“Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride”
I beg your pardon?