*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

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30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”


Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you


You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let’s get this relationship started.


Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.


I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.


My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.


The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.


God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this


The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.