@TCsSideBitch

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

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@TheTweetOfGod

30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

@Oshungurl

You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let’s get this relationship started.

@mommajessiec

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

@tsm560

I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@HatfieldAnne

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

@PorkUrPine

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@68Cly29

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.