*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
me after drinking all the wine:
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…