The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.