War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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Its not pretty being easy.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
“I’m so sick of this life”
* sees preview for next life*
“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”