@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

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@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@QwertyJones3

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

@BobLoblaw143637

“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”

@Kyle_Lippert

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@TheBoydP

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

@Chumpstring

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@mommajessiec

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

@GroovyCheese

4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”