[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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Clients after you give them your rates
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!