NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.


The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.


“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”


A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth


WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”


When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…


INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure


My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”


4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”