@ThugRaccoons

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

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@portmanteauface

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

@AtticusFinch79

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

@illTortuga

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

@truegritrumble

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

@BitchyJasmine

My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. 🙂

@briangaar

I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games

@AristotlesNZ

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike