@GrillinChillin9

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

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@gamingheroritz

Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you

@StansaidAirport

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

@junejuly12

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

@iLikeCatShirts

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

@BGH70

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

@PinkCamoTO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

@Teowulf

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

@GrantTanaka

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger