Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
You Might Also Like
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
lol
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?