Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.


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Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you


Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.


In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.


When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”


Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.


My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”


I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.


[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger