Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently