I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?