Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.