@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

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@ShaunRightNow

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

@CourtneyBale

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

@_little_old_me

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

@SuicideBooth1

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

@shariv67

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.