*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I only eat vegetarians.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks