*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*


I want to look hot on tinder.

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HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.


My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war


Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.


[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”


I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping


watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome


my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?


I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”