[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
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“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
For the record, laughter does absolutely nothing to help diarrhea.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
The first rule of Fight Club is till death do us part.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it’s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.