*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I love wikipedia
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.