*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
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I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
when dads have a rap battle
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead