@XplodingUnicorn

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

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@noog

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

@ohJuliatweets

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

@EndhooS

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

@AbbyHasIssues

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

@JediGigi

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

@donni

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

@Marlebean

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@_salt_n_lime

All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.

@Beesthegame

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.