*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

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[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”


I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.


“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.


I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.


Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.


Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best


I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.


If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?


All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.


[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.