*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
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A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
i smell a pulitzer
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.