When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
good morning