*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct