Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
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I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Cats are still liquid.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT