Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

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You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.


People who like “The Bachelor” are like racists; you know they’re out there, but you just hope your friends don’t feel that way.


Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.


Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.


Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!


Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……


*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*


[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time


stewardess: “sir you aren’t allowed to smoke that during the flight”
me: [putting a salmon back in my hand luggage] “this is such bullshit”