These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!