Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”