Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.


Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford


If your problem can be solved by:

or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.


Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again


I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in


Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?

Oh crap..that’s right.

Bruce, I’m so sorry. Come on, dude, don’t cry. Seriously, where you going?


[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”


Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan