@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

@ultrakristian

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@cool_as_heck

Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again

@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

@AristotlesNZ

Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?

Oh crap..that’s right.

Bruce, I’m so sorry. Come on, dude, don’t cry. Seriously, where you going?

@SteveSuckington

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan