@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

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@ArfMeasures

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

@Papa_Mex

I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!

@envydatropic

I’ll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.

@truegritrumble

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

@Dr_powpow

I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes

@theguywitheyes

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

@DanMentos

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

@USMCSDI

Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon