@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

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@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

@AndrewChamings

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

@CutPics

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”

@ColoChiver

Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

@ewfeez

If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say “I’ve gotta take this” then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.

@david8hughes

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

@RealPrincessKim

Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, “You must be heartbroken. I can’t believe Justin Bieber died so young!”