@TheAlexNevil

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

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@JD_KC

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@Iwriteforcats

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

@AbrasiveGhost

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

@TheBoydP

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

@clichedout

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

@HomeWithPeanut

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

@shariv67

Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”