[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler