Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.