[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Expect the unexporcupine.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?