The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere