Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.

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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*


Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?


Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.


ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or


If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.


Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way


* wants all the family space to herself

* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old

(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)

* belts out lyrics along with musical

* dances across rug

* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch


Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.