@Christi_Q

Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.

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@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

@theregoesrichie

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

@iGreenMonk

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.

@ehdannyboy

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

@crunchenhanced

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

@Be___Dope

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

@st_RAY_aah

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

@pearlykim

* wants all the family space to herself

* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old

(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)

* belts out lyrics along with musical

* dances across rug

* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.