Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Breaking news:
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]