them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
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Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe