When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
classic mixup
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm