Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Star Wars spoke to me because I’d rather join a cult than do farm chores.
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.