@ozzyunc

Star Wars spoke to me because I’d rather join a cult than do farm chores.

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

@ClichedOut

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

@LagunaBeachPOV

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

@bromanconsul

people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence

@copymama

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

@funnybeachgirl

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

@wendchymes

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

@junejuly12

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

@SnarkyMommy78

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

@3sunzzz

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.