“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!