This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Breaking news:
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.