Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

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I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.


“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.


[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
ME: What?


When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.


Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians


it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat


I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.


People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.