Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Have a lovely day 😊
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.