Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

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Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.


If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”


[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?


‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.


“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant


I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open


Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”


My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.


WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please