[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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Bringing home a sharpie
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should