@KimMonte10

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

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@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@deloisivete

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

@ojedge

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

@jamdugg

*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] depressed what do

google: consult a doctor

me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking

@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

@PettyRuxpin83

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.