Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You Might Also Like
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?
Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…
me: [googling] depressed what do
google: consult a doctor
me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking
I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.