Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You Might Also Like
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants