Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.