Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
ME: Sorry I’m “latte” haha
BOSS: Aren’t you the guy we fired for biting a customer
You Might Also Like
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll go talk to her.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
what do u call a sleeping pizza
ha ha haha
someone date me plss
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*Sees dead cat on the road.
Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”