@Home_Halfway

[Starbucks meeting]
ME: Sorry I’m “latte” haha
BOSS: Aren’t you the guy we fired for biting a customer

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.

Me: what does that mean?

Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.

Me: I’ll go talk to her.

Wife: thanks.

Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?

@UmmmSassy

what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@KThonvold

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

@_squiggz

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

@ThatsSoCorri

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

@1followernodad

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

@Beatonm5

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”