Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The future is now.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.