Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

LMAO

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.