Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
You Might Also Like
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys