Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
You Might Also Like
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
BETRAYAL
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.