Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Human are so complicated
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.