Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
How do dragons blow out candles?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Jurassic park gets weird
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts