@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@isabelzawtun

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@JohnLyonTweets

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

@DanMentos

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office