Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]