@PhuckinCody

[starbucks]
BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”

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@TheFunnyWorId

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@1_swarthy_dude

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

@truegritrumble

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

@offbeatoliv

It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.

@PinkCamoTO

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

@lisaxy424

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.