I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Natural selection at its finest
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther