I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
BARISTA: can i get a name?
ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany
BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order
ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.