Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup