me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat


Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”


I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.


5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…


Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend


The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.


Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”


My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.


I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.


*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.