@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

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@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@nPhelendriqal

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

@jenspyra

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

@PashSara

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

@McJesse

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

@klainey01

My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.

@mommajessiec

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.