[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°