@OctopusCaveman

[Starbucks]

Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

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@Reverend_Scott

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

@ProgPro

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@KWalps

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

@jsteele3966

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

@Spaziotwat

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@SteveSuckington

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

@HeyJennyLeone

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids