My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
[on Dating Game]
HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?
[I glance at the stains on my shirt]
ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.
*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.