@Rollmaninoz

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

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@3sunzzz

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

@MollyERA

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@Marcmywords2

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

@dafloydsta

[on Dating Game]

HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?

[I glance at the stains on my shirt]

ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.

@SatansTongue

*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
Chapo: ok
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell

@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@iamburtjarvis

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT