ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.


paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on


A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.


sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes


People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”


No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.


Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks


What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”


In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?