[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons