[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
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Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said