[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isnโt your eyesight going bad
Canโt, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
This all started with Meghanโs friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your sonโs been either incarcerated or incineratedโฆ *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Okay Iโm getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you donโt hear back, the money changed me.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day youโve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelatedโanyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: ๐ญ yes
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
True dat! ๐๐๐๐
Someone just said โcan you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!โ
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate โ ๏ธ
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Gods work.
If the police donโt escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I hope you donโt feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd thatโs how the fight started.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. ๐๐๐
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming๐๐๐๐๐๐